Jumanji - Pure absolute terror (Horror Film Review)

I saw the 'kids' film Jumanji the other day. I can fearfully report that it is the most creepy, sick, depraved film I have seen this year! I can't believe it's only a PG! it should be a 15 at least!

I had goose bumps watching this torture porn. The basic plot is this; a young boy in the 1960's, tormented by bullies when out, and brutalised by his strict father when at home discovers a Africa themed board game called Jumanji. Him and a female friend decide to play the game. She is attacked by rabies ridden giant African bats, while the boy Parish is sucked into Hell. 30 years later a young brother and sister discover Jumanji, and inadvertently become involved with the game. They, with a freed Parish (played by Robin Williams), and a mentally impaired woman (the girl from the 60's now grown up) must travel to the very depths of Hell to close the gates, and forever lock away the nightmares they have unleashed.

The film is scary on many levels. Each roll of the dice releases another monstrosity from Jumanji. There are plagues of animals released, natural disasters, and even a deranged serial killer. All these are evil, and intent on death and destruction.

The animals are not real animals, as is shown by the special effects for them. Instead they are a mockery of gods work, vessels for demons to invade the world, and are pure evil intent on causing mayhem. Creepily intelligent, you get a stampede of Elephants and Rhinos intent on crushing people to death, psychotic monkeys armed with guns, and infestations of Killer plants and insects.

The (in)natural disasters are terrible, an indoors flood, supernaturally contained to one house nearly drowns the heroes, while a earth quake splits the house in half, intent on dragging the heroes down a chasm to Hell. The whole forces of nature are under the games Demonic control.

The films themes are quite adult. The Serial Killer (in the form of an English Explorer complete with Blunderbuss) is played by the same actor who plays the Parish kids Dad. He repeatedly tries to hunt down Parish, showing a terminator-esque terrifying determination to kill him at whatever cost to himself. It shows Parish's internal fear of his Dad, and speaks of his fear of his fathers abuse.

The board game itself 'Jumanji' is a sick depraved game. It emits a drum beat, audible only to children, and hypnotically drawing children to it. It wants to eat children's souls, feeding off their fear. However it was created, it was done only for evil reasons, a fear of which I have never felt since I received upon thinking on how this game came into existence. In a twist of irony, the only way to defeat the games evil is to play it, each roll of the dice gets you closer to defeating the game, but also opens more doors of Hell, unleashes more horrors onto the world.

It is only a fluke that the characters actually survive. The girl is fatally wounded by a poison dart spat from a flower, the boy is turned into a mutant child monkey, and the adults (Parish and the woman) are both executed by the serial killer hunter, but the lucky dice roll of the doomed Williams closes off the powers of the game and reverts the entire world back 30 years.

The ending is bone chilling. The evil game, weighed down with chains and thrown into a river and many years later washes up on a Japanese beach. The horrific tribal drums start beating, and chillingly ends with 2 young Japanese girls discovering the game as the screen fades to black and the credits roll.

A very very sick, scary film, one to watch with the lights on!

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The Return (2006) - Horror Film Review

I picked this up on DVD cheaply the other day. The film stars Sarah Michelle Gellar as a young 24 year old woman who has been away from her home state of Texas for many years. She has stayed away for a reason, but a business deal brings her back to the state. Soon she starts having vivid hallucinations about a creepy stranger in blue jeans, and starts seeing her features change when looking in mirrors. It all seems linked to a small Texan town, and in particular a man whose wife was murdered many years previously.

The film is not in the least bit creepy, but it is a really nice film to watch. Gellar is fantastic as the kinda disturbed young woman. The plot is nothing exciting, but is brought to a satisfying conclusion without needing ridiculous twists or turns. Though nothing much happens, the film has a certain dream like quality to it.

If I was to pick a fault it would be that the chase sequences are designed to be thrilling, but are quite lame in actuality due to the plot point which leads to Gellar hiding rather than running away each chase sequence, of which there are many.

A short review, but a nice example of how much better my reviews are now!

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Wrong Turn 2: Dead End - Review

First off; the DVD I saw was a bit bust, and as a result I was forced to skip about 4 minutes of the film, highly annoying, but I will try to avoid it affecting my review.

Wrong Turn was basically 'The Hills Have Eyes' but set in woods. It was about a bunch of inbred mutated rednecks hunting some teens. Wrong Turn 2 was released straight to DVD. It's set 4 years after the first, and stars the musical legend Henry Rollins. A 'Survivor' style gameshow is being filmed in isolated woodland. 6 contestants are competing for a prize of $100,000. The show is hosted by Rollins (as an ex army man). Pretty much straight away everyone starts getting picked off by a family of inbred cannibal mutated rednecks. The producers really chose a lame place to hold the game show, being so near to the mutants home.

To tie the film to the first one is the surviving mutant from it, now reunited with another family. The origins of the mutation is briefly discussed, but mostly the film is scene after scene of bloody deaths.

The film is entertaining if a bit thin on plot. Being straight to DVD shows with an obviously lower budget. The special effects are mostly good, though the mutants all look quite identical, rather than the unique look each mutant had in the first film. The film is quite predictable, and features the usual teen stereotypes, though the deaths are mostly quite fun to watch.

Brain dead horror, but nice in a trashy kind of way.

A Perfect Getaway (2009) - Horror Film Review

I hadn't actually seen the trailer for A Perfect Getaway at the cinema, though I had seen the trailer on TV a few times. To be honestit didn't make me particularly want to see the film, however due to lack of other options me, my sister, and her husband ended up watching it.

The film is a thriller set on an island in Hawaii. A newly married couple Cliff (Steve Zahn) and Cydney (Milla Jovovich - Resident Evil) have gone there on their honeymoon. Not long after getting to the remote, isolated island they discover via other tourists, and via the internet Cliff gets on his mobile that a newly wed couple were murdered on a nearby island by a duo, and that the murderers are predicted to have travelled to the island they are currently on. The pair meet another couple, Nick (Timothy Olyphant) and Gina. They decide to stay with them figuring there would be safety in numbers if it did happen that the killers were on their island. However it starts to seem more and more likely by the couples odd actions and stories that Nick and Gina may not be who they seem...

The film's scenery is beautiful; lush tropical forests, beaches, and mountains make the setting a paradise. The film is shot in a really cool way, a flashback later in the film is filmed totally in black and white which works really well at separating it from the bright colours of the present. Also there are some really nifty camera pulls, plus some 24 style screen splits. The cast is quite small, the four main characters, plus a handful of secondary characters. Jovovich and Olyphant in particular show really great acting. It wasn't till near the end of the film that I realised the character Cydney was played by Jovovich, as I'm used to her naff acting (eg: the Resident Evil trilogy) so assumed it couldn't possibly be her.

The plot is quite good, and the action ramps up to a thrilling conclusion, with cool twists. A Perfect Getaway was a very unique feeling thriller, with an excellent cast, and while not really scary, the characters are interesting enough that you care what happens to them.

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Hide and Seek - Horror Film Review

In my review of Orphan I said how it was good as it was different to the usual creepy child genre of films. Hide and Seek is a prime example of the stereotypical creepy child film.

Robert De Niro stars as the psychologist Dad of a creepy little girl. The little creepy girl is played by hollow eyed Dakota Fanning. I'm not a big fan of either of these two it has to be said.

The film starts with De Niro's wife committing suicide in the bathtub. As a result he moves with his traumatised daughter out to the country, as he sees a new location as the best way for the child to get over the tragic event. His daughter is not that nice, mostly just staring at people in her hollow eyed way and disliking her father. Soon after moving into their new house the daughter starts talking with an imaginary friend she calls 'Charlie'. She tells her father that Charlie doesn't like him, he assumes it's just her resentment of him over the suicide. Much in the way of creepy child films it soon turns out that Charlie REALLY doesn't like the Dad, causing untold misfortune to him, which starts to take a more sinister turn. The daughter insists that all that is happening is due to her imaginary friend Charlie, and that she's innocent. It leads up to the usual twist, and the last 1/5 is much like the last 1/5 of Orphan.

The film is just too long, it got really boring in places, and the end part of the film just drags on and on and on. It wasn't a bad film, just not original in the slightest. The story wasn't anything new, and it was really obvious how it was going to turn out.

See it if you must, just don't expect much more than a well filmed, nice looking bland thriller.

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Orphan - Horror Film Review

Last Sunday I went to Cineworld and saw 'Orphan'. I really wasn't expecting anything good, as it looked just like another 'creepy child' film of which theres been so so many (The Ring, The Omen etc). The trailer wasn't particularly memorable. In my bedroom I had put up a mini poster of 'Orphan', I had resolved to take it down if the film was any worse than average. The poster is still up, the film defied my expectations and was really quite good.

The films plot concerns a seemingly happily married couple (played by Peter Sarsgaard, and Vera Farmiga) who have decided to adopt a young child after their 3rd baby was stillborn. They visit an orphanage and are delighted to find an intelligent, articulate, polite young 9 year old Russian girl (played by Isabelle Fuhrman) to adopt.

At first it seems she is a great addition to the family, but bad things start happening to people around her, and it starts to seem like there might be a more sinister side to the girl. Her previous foster family all died in a mysterious fire, which starts to seem less and less like a tragic accident. To give anymore away would spoil the film, it is definitely much better to watch not knowing what is going to happen. One of the tag lines for the film is 'you'll never guess her secret', and the secret really was an original twist which is believable within the context of the film.

The film looks fantastic, the lighting for the film is very well done. Despite being a 15 the film is quite violent and bloody. Bones get broken, blood gets spilt with really wince inducing special effects. The films tone is quite creepy, Isabelle Fuhrman is fantastic as the Russian girl. Most child actors are utterly terrible (eg: the entire child cast of the Harry Potter films) but she pulls off the role really well with fantastic acting both physical and verbal which really makes the film all the more creepy. The last section of the film is a real thrill ride.

The only problems with the film are that first of all there are too many anti-climatic scares. One memorable instance is when the mum is looking in her fridge. As she goes to shut the fridge door the music goes crazy, and you fully expect to get a cheap 'jump' scare with something leaping out at her from behind the fridge door, but instead there is nothing and the music fades. It's effective once as a trick for the audience, but it happens a number of times through the film. The last 1/4 of the film goes on a bit too long, it kept feeling like it was going to end and then carried on, so could have maybe done with some cutting.

The film is really good though, and recommended. You will be creeped!

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Castlevania - physical manifestation of Chaos - Videogame Discussion

Welcome to the second part in an intimate look at the key characters of the platforming juggernaut 'Castlevania' (part one can be seen here).

A most overlooked part of the Castlevania games is in fact the castle; Castlevania itself! This structure is another ally of Dracula. It is the physical embodiment of chaos. This is most explicitly revealed in 'Aria of Sorrows' when Soma Cruz travels into Castlevania's psyche, and discovers at its centre the being of Chaos. Once this monster is defeated the castle collapses.

Usually it is Dracula's demise which triggers the manifestation of chaos to collapse in on itself, no longer able to be sustained. 'Aria of Sorrows' is different in that Soma himself is the reincarnation of Dracula, so to destroy the castle, the core of it had to be destroyed. The castle is always seen to evaporate into the sky, this is because it is not so much collapsing, as ceasing to exist.

The reason the layout of Castlevania changes so drastically from game to game is thus easily explained. As the embodiment of chaos the castle is obviously going to not remain constant. Despite this, many areas of Castlevania do reappear in each manifestation. The entry halls, the underground catacombs, the clock tower, Dracula's throne room - these areas nearly always appear each time, though with the exception of Dracula's throne room they all appear with different layouts each time.

A notable exception to this is in 'The New Generation'. In this game you play one of two characters; either John Morris, or Lecarde. They are chasing Elizabeth Bartlett around Europe as she attempts to gather the necessary tools to resurrect Dracula. Each location she travels to is warped into a monstrous version of itself (such as the leaning tower of Pisa of Italy, and the Versailles palace in France) This is either because as a relative of Dracula she is able to summon chaos wherever she goes, or that she is actually carrying the unresurrected remains of Dracula with her, and as such merely his presence is creating the manifestation of chaos.

Castlevania: Videogame Discussion - Death: Loyal supporter of Dracula

The Castlevania series of video games has long been a favourite of mine. They are horror themed platformers, usually set in and around Dracula's home - Castlevania.

In the games Death has made a pact to serve Dracula. This is due to the fact that as an immortal Dracula never has to fear Death, and has become Death's master. In the origin game 'Lament of Innocence' (on Playstation 2) it is revealed that Death follows whoever has the 'Immortality' rune, so when the master of the castle; Walter is defeated in that game Death is quick to reap his soul and pledge allegiance to the new master; Dracula.

Death has appeared as a later boss in every single Castlevania game, usually being the penultimate boss, though in Lament of Innocence he is actually the end of game boss. He appears as a floating skeleton in a dark cowl, armed with a scythe. He usually has a second form he changes into when he has taken enough damage. This is usually a 'hyper' version of his original form, though on occasion he has transformed into a skeletal monster. Portrait of Ruin is notable as the first time Death and Dracula actually fight as a team together.

He is a loyal follower to Dracula which is demonstrated in a variety of ways. In Castlevania: The New Generation he aids Elizabeth Bartlett in resurrecting Dracula. In Symphony of the Night he ambushes Alucard and takes away all his powers. In Portrait of Ruin he turns up at Castlevania as he has sensed the return of Dracula.

As long as there are Castlevania games there will be Death. Dracula just wouldn't be the same without his most trusted partner.

Psychoville - A new Horror Comedy Series

Through word of mouth I have come to watch Psychoville, a black comedy series from half of the League of Gentlemen.

Each episode focus's on 5 different storylines. There's Mr Jelly the clown with a hook for a hand, David; a man obsessed with serial killers, a midget with telekinetic powers, a blind old toy collector, and a Nurse who thinks the doll she carries around is a real baby. In the first episode each of these characters is sent a letter saying only 'I know what you did'. As the series progresses it is learned that these seemingly unrelated characters share a dark past. I have only seen upto episode 5, but am dying to find out just what happened, and who the mysterious letter sender is.

The humour is even blacker than The League of Gentlemen, it feels a lot like the Christmas special of that. Among the actors there is Reece Shearsmith, Steve Pemberton, and Dawn French.

I really cannot wait to see the remaining 2 episodes to see how the story pans out!

Yet another nightmare

I know it seems lazy of me lately to just be doing posts about the nightmares I've had, but they are legitimate, and so I feel they are of interest to horror enthusiasts. So without further ado here is what happened in my latest nightmare...

I was at my childhood home, I was being chased by a ferret sized centipede. It was transparent, and illuminous yellow. It kept spitting globs of acid goo at me. I ran upstairs and barricaded myself in a room. Eventually I opened the door to see the insect had vanished.

I went downstairs to the utility where there was a shower with the shower door closed. I undressed, and went to get in the shower. The floor of the shower was flooded with muddy, dirty water, there were quite a few rats sitting in this water....and then I awoke.

No zombies, but still kinda weird dream.

Another Zombie Dream

Yay, I had another zombie dream last night (night of 10th July 2009). Here is what happened...

I was at a gigantic wrestling stadium. Triple H was due to fight, but he couldn't be found, so I offered to pretend to be him and fight this weak guy. No one in the crowd realised I wasn't Triple H, and I did this great submission move on the guy I was fighting which everyone was real impressed with. After the fight Vince McMahn tells me to go to Triple H's dressing room as I would be pretending to be him in the main event.

Backstage is massive, I ask a man to lead me to the wrestlers area. He takes me out to this vast open swamp land. There are lots and lots of people around, real crowded. This scary girl with sharp pointy teeth tells me to follow her and runs off. I run after her, but am moving really slowly, like I'm running in water.

Eventually I arrive at this area of the swampland where there are many shallow dips in the ground. A necromancer is bringing the dead back to life, there faces are like jelly, all thier eyeballs hanging out thier sockets, and rotting runny skin. The girl is there, she reveals shes a zombie as well, and had led me here so that the necromancer would turn me into a zombie. I turn and start running away, she starts screaming her head off, an ear peircing scream. A thunderstorm starts, she curses the sky and says she hates being dead and just wants to be able to breathe again...

Then I awoke. As always was real scary, but I absolutly love zombie dreams! Two in one week. Hopefully this is a return to form for me. Zombies are soo cool!

My Zombie Dream

For the first time in months I had a zombie dream. I used to have them a few times a week, so hope this is a return to form. This dream occured on 6th July.

As in all dreams this isn't exactually coherant.I was in a wooden shack on a cliff above a canal, the shack was near dark woods. I was Paris Hilton, and was with about 3 or 4 other people. They decided to head out, but I was too scared due to the zombies, so thought I would hide away in the shack. When the people leave I bolt the door shut behind them.

I am in dark woods, everywhere we look there are leathery, wrinkled zombies walking slowly about. We start running through them, and they are grabbing at us and surprising us, quite scary, thier eyes are so dead. We get back to the shack. A wall of the shack has been ripped off, and the entire shack is full of zombies, Paris Hilton has been ripped to pieces.

We get to some government/army installation with vast concrete corridoors, with lots of zombies stumbling about...

That's all I recall of my dream/nightmare, it was cool. Welcome back zombie dreams!

What it means... well here is my analysis. The woods featured as I can't go to zombiefest 2009 this year, zombiefest 2009 takes place in woods. I had watched a program earlier in the day where a Whale had been cut open, and its insides explored, I think the zombies relate to this. The government/army concrete base thing I think may have been influenced by Romeros Day of the Dead, and strangly also by the game 'Eternal Sonata' which I recently finished.

Blood: The Last Vampire (2009) - Horror Film Review

This film is a live action version of the anime of the same name (which come out around 2000). When I first saw the trailer for this I got kinda confused with Blood: The Last Vampire, and Vampire Hunter D. I have never seen the anime of this.

The trailer made the film look kinda like the Matrix's bullet time mixed with Kill Bill's sword fighting. It features the appallingly humorous running through the air effects which plague the Asian fighting films (eg: Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Hero, House of 1000 Blades). This ability always looks so silly and so was a real put off.

Blood: The Last Vampire was actually good, not great, but good. The plot concerns a half vampire/half human immortal girl who has pledged her life to killing vampires, and in particular hunting down the most evil and vilest of the Vampires - a centuries old Demon called Onechanba who was responsible for her father's death. The film is set in the 1970's, and has lots in common with Blade and Underworld but keeps it's anime styling in the transition from animation to live action. Many shots are styled similar to the animation, and there is plenty of over the top blood and violence with a particular highlight being a man sliced in half vertically with a sword in the opening sequence.

The film rushes on quickly, it seemed before the film had gotten going it was all over and the end credits rolling, but it was a fun ride. At first I wasn't sure if the film would be in Japanese, or dubbed, but it actually is mostly in English, which makes sense seeing as the vast majority of the film takes place in America (the Japanese characters do talk to each other in Japanese, which is good) The demon effects look kinda fake but are ok, and the action is entertaining to watch.

I will definitely be checking out the Anime original now to see how it compares. there are worse films out there than Blood: The Last Vampire for sure.

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